thoughts on deconstructing Christianity….
Some of us grew up in church, which may have felt like our whole world where family life revolved around Sunday morning worship, Sunday school, youth group, service activities, pancake breakfasts. Others of us may have grown up around church, but not in it much except for holidays, or none at all. I am speaking more to the experience of how the fabric of a life is so entwined with a religious experience that it is hard to know where it begins and ends; thus, it can feel devastating to unravel that thread.
If you grew up in a church environment, especially in a conservative or fundamental belief system, you may have encountered some interesting dynamics—possibly a lot of if/then, this/that, hell/heaven type of black-and-white thinking, which is dualistic in nature. For example:
If you don’t clean your room, you are disobeying authority and it somehow becomes a personal commentary on your parents and on you yourself.
Believing in XXXX will save you, so you can avoid the open maw of hell (and “hell” is a certainty in this belief system and a horrible destination).
This is truth and that is not (insert eternal destination at the end of this thought, if you choose poorly).
What we believe is right, and everyone who doesn’t believe the same as us is not right and is against us.
You see, there is an us vs them sitting quietly underneath the choice, and when you are a kid, you want to be with the us-es because it is scary to be with the them-s. We are taught that anything outside of the belief system is bad, scary, wrong, and disgusting—which we are, too, underneath it all. That is why we have to be saved—saved from ourselves and the world, which is difficult to interpret when you are developing a sense of self and the world, while looking to the adults to lead the way.
Deconstructing is when you step out of the belief system and examine it, look at it, follow it to its natural conclusion. For example, if love is taught, then why does it feel like there is so much anger and judgment in the air? Why is everyone so reactive and fearful? Is there an actual threat that I need to be aware of? What do I really think about the concept of hell as an actual place?
Deconstructing is taking your power back. It looks similar to how we heal from trauma—we recognize that we have agency and can make choices, so that we do not play out the same pattern of thought or behavior over and over again, on repeat, without intentionality.
Or if you are taught to accept others, but not those who have chosen poorly or who haven’t worked hard enough: i.e. those who are homeless, poor, working three jobs, single moms/dads, a different color/race/ethnicity, Catholics/Protestants, “liberals”, those in the LGBTQ+ community, etc.
The threats are all around and it is difficult to face the fact that the biggest threat to your well-being is the belief system you may have embraced.
But it is okay.
It can be scary as hell, and I mean that sincerely. The hell you’ve feared is right here in your living room. This sense of emptiness, loss, betrayal, and intense disconnection is the definition of a hellscape. How does one begin to dissect the “truth” from the truth? Who is God? Is there one? Why do I feel abandoned?
And it is okay to put your bible down. Just as it is okay to leave a toxic environment, put it down, and walk away. Go outside and sit under a tree and be with your self for a moment. It is quiet here, and it may be filled with all kinds of uncertainty, but you are on your path and it is yours alone. While it feels isolating and very scary, you belong here and there are others journeying alongside you.
Welcome.
If you are interested in more information about the how-to’s of deconstructing, here is another blog post.
* * Disclaimer: We get so much value out of believing something bigger than ourselves and living in community with others who are like-minded. The trouble comes with groups that are high controlled, insular, and have skewed definitions of respect, consent, and love. My goal is to offer another lens to access the sacred—especially for those who have been harmed by an organized group or religion. More information on spiritual abuse, particularly in the Western, Christian church, here.