how does one deconstruct….
faith, family, culture, ….?
What is deconstruction when it comes to family of origin, faith of origin or something else that has been a huge part of your life? Are there steps in the deconstruction process, and is there hope? (Yes-ish, and yes!)
I have collected some information that speaks to the process of deconstruction and the general points we hit along the way. Keep in mind that it looks different for each one of us, but so much of it is disorienting and can feel like a great upheaval. If nothing else, know that you are not alone during this process; many have come before you, are in it now, and many are still on their own way toward it.
Unavoidable discomfort seems to become something you can’t ignore any longer. You may have been noticing inconsistencies and things that don’t land well with you for a while, or you’ve been hurt or have witnessed others being hurt, and it is not okay. You could minimize or deflect the discomfort—but not anymore.
Beginning to question, which tends to be an internal experience, especially if the environment you are in views questions as symptoms of disbelief or contrary in some way. You may find yourself seeking guidance or outside information to help you put the pieces together. You may begin to explore beyond people in your community in the shape and form of books, online resources, mentors, a therapist—safe people and places where you can learn new information or hear old information in a new way.
Leaving the spiritual community, family, or group. Often this is an important aspect of separating yourself from what feels unsafe and incongruent with what feels safe and if not wholly congruent, at least hopeful that there is something else. This doesn’t have to last for forever or it may—all of it is okay. No big decisions need to be made, but you do get to decide if you need to step out of this place for a spell.
Own your process by stepping in to your own spiritual pilgrimage, quest, or hellscape—whatever the term is you want to use. You’ve gathered enough energy to fuel you on your path toward further self-discovery. This is scary, but you have embraced it on some level. You are entertaining how life may look without your family, faith of origin, etc. This may feel very solitary and isolating, and liberating.
While you’ve been doing your own reading, you are starting to expand your exploration of other faith traditions or belief systems, which can range from Paganism, Wicca, Eastern religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.) to other Christian or non-Christian sects. You may get deeper into experiencing other belief systems, which is beneficial on a body-level.
Unpacking the tendrils of teachings, beliefs, or standards you functioned under. You become a scientist who is observing, examining, separating, and coming to a more objective stance on what this belief system contained that is not in alignment with your values or beliefs.
You may not know exactly what you think or what you believe about certain topics, you don’t have to, but you KNOW that isn’t okay with you and you can feel some assurance of the ground beginning to form under your feet.All the feelings: anger, rage, intense grief, frustration, sadness,of living in a community that you are finally seeing for all it is. Often this is a period of existential dread, nihilism, a dark night of the soul—you get it. This sucks, and taking care of yourself is crucial. You need time to rest, recover, and to heal. The most basic things become your focus: eating, sleeping, spending some time outside (or exercise if you can), drinking water—you know, the important things you forget about when you are stressed! Also, it is normal to feel horrible, down, and confused. Allow these feelings to flow through you—none will stick, but they do need your patience in order to pass.
Rebuild and revise your values, you may not have concrete beliefs as of yet, and again, that is okay. Slowly integrate your own meaning, values, and beliefs that are in alignment with who you are and what you are here to do. You get to have questions and to be uncertain, but likely this will not be as disruptive as it once was.
Lastly, you will likely find your path in the “middle” way or away from absolutes. I think of this as non-dual consciousness where you do not need external validation that you are on “the right path”—it is your journey and you are on it. You start to notice black-and-white thinking, and move away from the strict nature of either/or to inhabit more of a both/and experience of being present with other peoples’ pain also. Your hurt is healing and you are able to step into a more actionable place in this beautiful round globe we inhabit.
Resources:
My own personal journey has informed much of my work.
Leaving the Church: A memoir of faith by Barbara Brown Taylor
Sacred Woulds: A path to healing from spiritual trauma by Teresa B. Pasquale
Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd (memoir)
* * Disclaimer: We get so much value out of believing something bigger than ourselves and living in community with others who are like-minded. The trouble comes with groups that are high controlled, insular, and have skewed definitions of respect, consent, and love. My goal is to offer another lens to access the sacred—especially for those who have been harmed by an organized group or religion. More information on spiritual abuse, particularly in the Western, Christian church, here.